What You Need to Know About America’s Best Dance Crew

The first thing you need to know about America’s Best Dance Crew┬áis that you should be watching America’s Best Dance Crew. The second thing is that if you’re trying to program your Tivo, it’s actually called Randy Jackson Presents America’s Best Dance Crew. And the third thing is that Randy Jackson doesn’t actually appear on the program, so you don’t have to worry about that.

It’s on on Wednesdays, and the season started last week. So you’re only one week late! And it’s on MTV, which means it’s really aggressively rerun.

The judges are mostly terrible and should be ignored. They’re D-Trix (who I think of as “Dominic from So You Think You Can Dance”), Lil Mama (who never says anything remotely coherent), and JC Chasez (From N’Sync; not as successful as Justin Timberlake, but still doing better than the other ones). Seriously, just fast-forward past everything they say. Sometimes there are interesting slow-motion looks at particular moves, but it’s not worth the gibberish.

The host is Mario Lopez. From Saved By the Bell. He’s not terrible, but he’s also not interesting.

Here are the teams so far:

8 Flavahs: All-girl team, half of them from Honolulu and half of them from Los Angeles. And they’re pretty young, so the Honolulu contingent is basically four Lilos from Lilo and Stitch. And in their introduction, they say “Ohana is when everybody is family,” which seriously made me tear up. There’s no mention of adult choreographers, but there’s no way they’re putting their own routines together.

Fanny Pak: Their gimmick is that they all wear bright colors. Is that a gimmick? They’re also very upbeat and cheerful, but that’s pretty common on a dance show. Last season had a team of krumpers that were in pretty good moods most of the time. Fanny Pak was on the second season, and now they’re back. I’m kind of surprised they’re already reusing teams. Are we already out of dance crews? They were the only team with guys that didn’t whine about dancing to Britney Spears, so I approve of their attitude.

Irratik: Is this a misspelling of “erratic” or “erotic”? There’s no way of knowing. In their interview, they make a big deal out of being women with jobs. But then one of them says that coming on this show means that she’s sacrificing her career as a psychologist. I think they’re really good!

Mix’d Elements: Obviously, this team loses points for not being spelled stupidly enough. It takes more than an apostrophe to be nutty. They’re from North Hollywood and claim to all bring different elements to their dances. If they can be trusted, they’ll have one guy suddenly doing parkour in the middle of things. Man, I hope that happens.Week one was Britney Spears, and this was the first all-male group to act embarrassed about having to dance to a girl. Or maybe they weren’t kidding about all the weird feminine undulations at the end. I don’t know.

Stepboys: They’re “ironic.” Most of these teams have a wacky “gang sign,” and Stepboys go with a wacky mustache. One of them even has a handlebar right there on his face. In their introduction, they talk about how they’ll incorporate funny things they see on television. The example, somehow, is Cornholio. And look, I think Cornholio is really funny. But don’t incorporate him into your dance routine. I find their insistence on being wacky to be very tiring. Their Britney Spears routine had a lot of visual gags about how crazy it was that this one guy was dressed in a schoolgirl outfit. It didn’t help that they were dancing to “If You Seek Amy,” which is the lamest pun ever.

The second episode (which is tonight!) will have five more teams, and the bottom team will go up against Mix’d Elements in a viewer vote. You want to see the other five teams, don’t you? C’mon! I want to talk about this show with people!

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